I Coulda Been A Contenda

Now the moment you've all been waiting for: The Big Reveal!

1. David Letterman: Not true and totally made up. I've never even been to New York.

2. State Champion: True. Apparently no one has any faith in me at all when it comes to competition. I don't blame you. Here's the scoop.

When I was in eighth grade I was a gymnast in an age group with very little competition and was consistently scoring 9.0-9.8 on both vault and floor exercises. I had a pretty good shot at becoming the state champion in both of those events. I quit before the season was over so I could be a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader for about two years and stopped in high school. Sure, I went to the try-outs because my mom wanted me to, but I didn’t smile and I was a bit slow. Wonder why I didn’t make the squad? There was no way I was going to wear those short skirts during the winter and freeze my tushy off any more.

In high school I was the captain of the swimming and diving team. I wasn’t that great at either, but I made it to the state diving competition. I was a shoe-in to at least make it to the final round, but I decided I’d rather be home for a date and a free dinner. I made sure I didn’t make the cut and was home by 7:00pm. OK, so I really didn’t have a great chance at the diving championship, but it was a chance none the less and I ditched it.

Sports were just never the be-all, end-all for me. I specifically chose sports where I could be responsible for myself and not beholden to a team. Had I been in a team situation, I would have made a better and more successful effort.

3. California jay-walking: This actually happened to a friend of mine. And she was just out for a walk to get some fresh air because she was sick! It was awful for her.

4. Anthony Edwards: I did go to CA for an internet conference and I did go into a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to get some iced tea. But the only thing that happened there was that they gave me $1 too much in change and I kept it. I felt bad for the rest of the trip and actually almost drove all the back to return it. Then I didn't. And I still feel bad.

5. Bartending: This, again, was from the life of a friend, albeit a different one than the one who was sick and in jail. And yes, the butt funnel part is true. No, I will not tell you what it entails exactly. Let's never speak of it again.

I love the fact that only my dad knew I was lying about everything but number two. Of course, it's easy for me to lie in print; if you could see my face you'd know I can't play poker.